A Tale of Two Students — Identity, Self-Respect, and Forgiveness

Many people underestimate the difficulties that full-time faculty face; but the
fate and hardships of the long-term substitute remains a terrifying yet still
unknown foray into public education. Like full-time teachers, long-term
substitutes take on five sections of students, yet they must command respect in
a shorter length of time. Most students operated under a default mindset, which
reads something like, "I don't have to listen to you. You're just a
sub."

 Earlier this year, I ran into some of the students whom I had taught in
long-term assignments in Centinela Valley Union High School
District.l When one of the students began joking about the abusive and
disruptive behavior that I had permitted, I cut him off right away: "You
will not talk to me like that! You treated me poorly in the past, and you have
no right to bring up my shame. It was wrong what you did."

 I had received the grace to forgive myself and them, but I was not about to
let one person prevent me from moving on.

That young man had enough dignity to cover his mouth in shame. He then
quietly asked me, "Do you want me to leave?"

I answered, "Do you need to?" He stayed in the classroom, quiet and respectful for the rest of the period, and neither of us had a problem since then.

Right then I demonstrated a powerful principle in assertiveness and
self-respect: Respect is NOT something you earn, nor demand — it is something
that you command, that you demonstrate, that you draw out of yourself, regardless
of how people treat you.

Now, I can look the world in the eye, not afraid to go with my internal
flow, to speak (not scream) my point of view.

Then there was another student, the daily challenge of another young man,
one who resisted any instruction for a long time. He was so taxing, I almost
despaired of ever entering a classroom again afterward. Having turned up enough
teachers to get moved from class to class, there I was covering another history
class, except this teacher had gone on stress leave, leaving with an already
turned up class of students. One class threw things out the window; in another
class, this one student refused to listen, argued with me at length, or acted
up so much, it seemed that nothing I did would ever work.

I must admit, being a long-term substitute can make one very timid and
insecure. I was always left wondering, would the administration tell me to go
home? I was so jittery about not having another job, that I just went with the
flow as long as I could. I tried to be a good teacher, really I did, but it was
all to no avail.

I was so insecure in those days. I had to prove myself every day. But if you
have to prove yourself to yourself, then no one else is going to take you
seriously, either.

I live by my feelings. I tried to work up an enthusiasm
to walk into the classroom every day, but we all run out of steam soon. If we
live contrary to who we are, if we are trying to be something that we are not,
or worse, we live in chronic doubt as to who we are, then we are sunk.

This is the condemnation I labored under for so long. I am a child of God,
but I thought that God was made at me. And when you have a harsh view of your
Father, you start to treat everyone else the same way. That one kid at Lawndale
did not stand a chance.

I ran into that same kid a few months later. Some students around the
district had apparently heard about the difficulties which I had had with him.
"Are you scared?" One student snidely asked me. I really did not know
what to do, at first. I had lived in reaction to everything for so long,
fearful that I would do or say something that I regretted.
But that day, I walked up to the student whom I had struggled with for so long,
shook his hand, and said to him, right in his eyes:

"I forgive you." At first, he would not look at me. I don't know
if he was afraid that I would do something to him.

Whatever it was, all went well after that. The next day, the same student
walked up to me and shook my hand! I have never witnessed so grand a reversal
in my life! For so long, if I alienated students, I would try to do better, try
to get on their good side, or just blast them altogether. When I learned that I
was not in bondage to my feelings, that I was not defined by how I felt, or
even what I did, I could be myself. I am a forgiven person, and forgiven people
can forgive others, for no one can really make you mad or scared, just thinking
makes it so.