What does it mean to be a teacher? It means being the parent, no matter who's at home taking care of the student.
It means being the parent, not the friend, not the buddy, and certainly not the confidant.
Yet so many teachers are so insecure, either because of the backlash of unmet expectations, that teaching was not at all what the credential program had sold it to be, or that contrary to the initial promises and support that administrators offered to new teachers, they quickly revealed that they had no other interest other than getting the test scores up and getting rid of any teachers whom they felt caused more trouble than they were worth.
One of the unspoken rules that first-year teachers are supposed to learn: keep quiet your first year. Do not make a lot of noise. Do whatever it takes to make the parents happy. Minimize any complaints. Do not get sent to the office if you can avoid it.
I broke every one of those rules, convinced that I was going to stay in charge as much as I could. No one teacher, parent, or student would intimidate me, although I lived in paralyzing fear much of the time during my first year.
I was so clueless as to what it means to stand in the world. As the harsh and uncompromising task-master, I was doing all that I could to keep students intimidated and in line. This approach backfired on me in the long run, as students love to complain about tough teachers. They expect to get away with everything, and they will mow down any teacher who gets in the way of this little plan of attack.
I spent so much time putting out the fires in my classroom, in my mind, in my world, that life was not living. You spend your whole time fighting with everything because you are so unsure of everything else. That is no way to live, waiting for someone else to tell you what to do, which in school is as conflicted and contradictory as the Australian parliamentary proceedings for casting and calling votes.
I had resigned myself to making the most of making the best of making do, and it was not good enough, never could be. Many teachers are not insecure because of who they are, but rather based on the support which they learn over time will never be there for them. Imagine having to contend with a rambunctious class of kids, and they only thing that you can do is just "make the most of it". No sending kids out, no sending the message that you like or dislike the kid, because there is no other way to make the most of the worst possible situation: you are not really in charge.
As long as I based my life on who I could control, "making the most of it" was never were it was going to be. Never! And so the last year or two became a nightmare in slow motion, trying to control of the sand that slips through your fingers, like trying to tell terrorists on a plane to take their seats so that you can land the plane. Not gonna happen!
There is no peace on the outside, yet the peace that every man needs cannot be borne from within. Peace is about accepting the truth that you do not see, the truth that sees through you and sees you through the tough times and troughs of life.
When I started realizing that I had always been standing on the rock, I noticed then and there that all the other problems melted away. I was never meant to be a teacher, no more than a man is meant to be his job. Indeed, we are human beings, and being in deeds does not make us human.
I was never a victim, but I let myself be treated like one because I believed that putting up with the circumstances and fighting with myself was the only way. Now I know the Way, and the Truth has given me Life! He was the Victim, that I may be the Victor, but the world does not like Freedom rooted in the truth.
Dr. Phil wrote a book called Self Matter. We need a whole new being, one not based on ourselves. He warned his clients that once they started making changes in their lives, when the lies were laid away once and for all, and the Truth was setting people free. Other people thrive off the deception that keeps others in bondage. Parents get used to their children depending on them, even when the kids have grown old and yet still want to grow up. The teacher in many cases wants to be the one with all the answers, so that means treating the students as if they do not know any better, even when the students with direct experience know more than the teacher.
We cannot wait for someone else on this earth to tell us who we are. For too long, I had done that with the students, even gaining the "provisional" approval of students who liked me because I was funny, because I would crack jokes, because I would "act up". But that was the whole point — it was an act, pure and simple, or rather impure and complicated. To act contrary to one's risen nature is failure waiting to fall.
"We had so much fun when you were here," one student told me. Deep down, though, I was not having any fun. I was not even sleeping that well. I could not relax at all. I was so unsettled in my life. If you are not having any fun, then the party will not last long for those who are having some fun. Turning sharply from playing up to playing out the life that is in me, I found myself crossing with some students who wanted more of the play time that was fun for them, but not for me.
One kid even looked at me with slight shock because I told him off outside of class. After he had cursed at me because I told him to move his seat, I confronted him outside:
"Do you talk to your father like that?" I questioned him pointedly.
This line of reference was effective. I assumed the role of a parent for the first time in a long time.
"I don't have a dad," he told me. He did admit later that he did not talk to his mother that way.
"Then you will not talk to me like that!"
I was the parent, I was very much in charge, and no one was going to change that, not even myself.
I was no longer the victim because I refused to gauge my responses, my thoughts, my actions on what someone else might say or do. Unfortunately, schools do not support teachers who are ramrod straight in their bearings and their convictions. Too bad for them.