This one security guard at Hawthorne High School was a real trip, a cool cat, or at least so I thought. Jerry was his name, or at least that's what I decided to call him in my head.
He would tell staff, he would tell newcomers like me "Don't let 'em shake your tree."
He was talking about the students on campus, of course. His advice, however, was not enough to give me a sense of calm. In fact, his exhortation created more fear instead of inspiring any courage.
Later on, I learned:
"There is no fear in
love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that
feareth is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4: 18).
This perfect love is not something that I do, but rather something which has been done for me, at the Cross through the death of Jesus Christ.
Still, Jerry would go around, asking me: "Are they shaking your tree? Are they shaking your tree?"
He was one of those types who wanted to be friends with the kids, as opposed to giving them boundaries. He did not do well by those students, in my opinion. Even when I would call him to send out a student, he would spend much of the time joking and playing around with the students, as if it were fun-time. Security are expected to get serious when they have to come in. It's not time to fool around. Every time he showed up, which happened at least once a week for me since I had a great deal of trouble trying to get through the day at the school. Many teachers felt the same way that I did, but it was made worse by the fact that to many of the students, I was "just a sub", and therefore they did not have to listen to me, anyway.
For a long time, I had a hard time reconciling the fact that many people behave one way, yet act another way. He seemed supportive of me, but at the same time he wanted to get along with everyone. The same mixed message that causes so many kids to have a hard time getting by in this world is the same mixed message which made working at that school once of the most frustrating experiences. I kept believing that the staff was on my side, and in the Deans' office, with the principal at one point, I received the message that they were willing to do what they could to help me. Then the next day I would find the same students coming back to class, giving me a hard time, and giving the other students no respite to learn anything.
Still, I would plug ahead every day, hoping that at some point things would work out for the better. Never happened, and soon I was no longer a happening at that school. Still, it all has worked out for the better.
Spending time at other schools, I realized how poorly trained or committed were the staff at Hawthorne High School for dealing with the rampant disrespect that had taken over at that school. Leuzinger High had a more diligent staff, administrators and deans who were not afraid to push students to the wall if needed. It was an eye-opening experience for me, one which exposed to me that I had to base the truth of my situation on much more than what other people were saying or doing. You will know the Truth, and the truth shall set you free. Being rooted in something more stable than my thoughts and feelings, that was the way that I had to live my life. It has taken me a long time to learn this lesson, but I am glad that I have finally known and believe the true source for making it in the world.
I went back to Hawthorne High School later that year. There was Jerry, stilling living it up on campus, playing around with the students. Finally, though, I had learned to relax, take things easy, not too seriously. I did not have to have perfect order in order to be perfect on the inside. One afternoon, I was covering the business teacher's class. Unfortunately, I did not receive a key, so I had to wait for security to show up and let me in.
"Are they still shaking your tree?" He asked me, smiling as he started to the door to get in.
"What are you talking about?!" I laughed back. "I'm a forest now!" No one can shake my tree, unless I let them, of course.
No amount of thinking, feeling, talking, or working can take away our fear. We must trust the One who has told us that we will cross over to the other shore:
"And the same day, when the even was come, he saith unto them, Let us pass over
unto the other side. " (Mark 4: 35)
Following the huge storm which startled the disciples to cry out for Him to do something:
"And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And
the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.
"And he said unto them,
Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith? " (Mark 4: 39-40)
If Jesus could sleep through the storm then, then what reason do I have to be afraid?